Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Conversations You Won't Hear During Phantom Of The Opera

I feel that much of the bloodiness of Andrew Lloyd Weber's Phantom of the Opera could have been avoided with a conversation like this:

CHRISTINE
Hey Phantom.

PHANTOM
Yes?

CHRISTINE
I really appreciate you giving me lessons and advancing my career and stuff, but there's this thing...

PHANTOM
Oh gosh, it's my face, isn't it. It's totally my face. You hate me because I'm ugly, don't you?

CHRISTINE
Well, no. I mean, you're a bit disfigured, but I can totally get over that.

PHANTOM
Then what's the problem? That's the only possible thing I can think of that can be hindering our relationship.

CHRISTINE
Well, there's another thing.

PHANTOM
Oh?

CHRISTINE
Yeah. This whole murder thing. It really has to stop.

PHANTOM
Murder thing? What murder thing?

CHRISTINE
You know, that whole murdering-everyone-who-interferes-with-me business. It really needs to stop.

PHANTOM
But how else can I help you succeed?

CHRISTINE
You can just keep giving me lessons. That got me the lead in Hannibal at the start of the show and you didn't have to kill anyone at all. Heck, with all the money you spent building this underground lake and house, you probably could have bought out the opera house and run it however you wanted, no killing required.

PHANTOM
...I actually don't know what to say to that.

CHRISTINE
I bet you don't. Murderous punk.

PHANTOM
Murderous punk! Doesn't killing people add to my tortured genius mystique?

CHRISTINE
Actually, it makes you creepy. Really creepy. Plus, it's more than a little illegal.

INSPECTOR JAVERT
Did someone mention the law?

CHRISTINE
Oh not this again.

INSPECTOR JAVERT
Opera Ghost, you are hereby arrested for murder, extortion, vandalism...

PHANTOM
Vandalism?

INSPECTOR JAVERT
That chandelier you crashed before intermission won't pay for itself.

PHANTOM
But I was trying to make a point!

INSPECTOR JAVERT
Dare you speak to me of crime? And the price you had to pay? Every man is born in sin! Every man must choose his way!

[INSPECTOR JAVERT continues to babel on about the importance of the law. After a few minutes, the PHANTOM produces his Punjab Lasso and strangles him. There is an awkward pause.]

CHRISTINE
See, this is the nonsense I was talking about earlier.

PHANTOM
Goshdarnit.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Key Distinction

I have found that, generally speaking, there is a difference between how much a person talks, and how much they actually said. Many times, the two are inversely proportional: The more someone talks, the less they say. The truly wise, however, talk little but say much.


That said, I have a tendency to talk quite a lot. Alas, no one's perfect.