Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How To Perform A Doughnut Séance

Om nom nom...

The doughnut séance is an extremely useful method for communicating with the spirits of dead doughnuts. It is easy to perform, and requires little equipment. To begin talking with the holey spirits of long-deceased pastries, you will need:

  1. A box of live doughnuts (the spirits of dead doughnuts require a sacrifice before they will divulge their secrets). Full-size doughnuts are ideal, but mini-doughnuts or doughnut holes will work in a pinch.
  2. Turbans. (Dead doughnuts hate the sight of an uncovered head.) If you lack an actual turban, a winter scarf wrapped around your head work quite nicely.
  3. People. Four is ideal, but a doughnut séance can be performed with as few as two people.
Now that you have the required items, you can begin communicating with the spirits of dead doughnuts! To do so:
  1. All those partaking in the doughnut séance put on their turbans and sit in a circle. The box of live doughnuts must then be placed in the center of the circle.
  2. All those partaking in the séance must then close their eyes and say "Om!" (Do not confuse "om," the sound of jubilant eating, with "aum," a syllable scared in Eastern religions, or with "ohm," a unit of electrical resistance.)
  3. Repeat Step 2 until the box of doughnuts begins to shake.
  4. All participants must then eat a doughnut. In eating the doughnut, they receive the wisdom (and calories) of the holey dead doughnuts
The doughnut séance is an easy way to gain useful knowledge about the fatty, pastry-based world in which we lived. Some facts I have gleaned in this way are:
  1. The one goal of the doughnut is to be eaten. This makes sense, as it is what they are made for.
  2. The spirits of dead doughnuts, when angered, can manifest themselves as tornadoes. This also makes sense, as (when viewed from the top) tornadoes are largely doughnut-shaped.
  3. Trailer parks do not eat enough doughnuts. This is also logical, as doughnuts exist to solely be eaten, and dead doughnuts manifest themselves as tornadoes.
  4. Not a basic fact, but you can gain a lot of useful evidence for solving crimes from doughnut séances. Police officers are among the chief consumers of doughnuts; its natural that a doughnut would hear some critical facts about a crime before being eaten. As such, the doughnut séance is an extremely useful tactic for the budding psychic detective.


  1. This is hilarious. Where did you get this idea?

  2. he got it from me :)