Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Hiccup Diaries

Today, I got the hiccups. Here is the record of my attempts to cure myself. (All events recorded here are true. Times given are approximate.)

2:30 PM - I develop a case of the hiccups while walking the dog. It is annoying.

2:43 PM - I return from walking the dog. The hiccups remain.

2:45 PM - I eat a marshmallow. Apparently sugar helps cure hiccups. Hiccups continue

2:48 PM - I drink from the far edge of a glass. (You can't bend the glass down, so you need to bend your whole body forward.) Legends has that this cures hiccups. In reality, it merely makes you look silly. Family members laugh. Hiccups remain.

2:50 PM - I eat another marshmallow. Increased sugar dose does not stop the hiccups.

2:55 PM - I ask a family member to scare me sometime in the near future. Scares are rumored to cure hiccups, but I suspect this request will only result in 15 minutes or so of paranoia.

2:57 PM - I eat another marshmallow; hopefully the sugar will kick in before the scare does. Paranoia runs high.

2:58 PM - I eat a Dove chocolate. The increased sugar does not help, nor does the wrapper's motivational quote.

3:02 PM - I open a lemon favored lollipop. Perhaps a constant drip of sugar will end the hiccup's reign of terror. I am becoming increasingly desperate for a cure.

3:06 PM - The hiccups have worsened; they are louder and more frequent than before. My worries deepen.

3:08 PM - I watch this video, hoping its scary surreal cows will cure the hiccups. (Originally posted here.)

3:10 PM - Hiccups seem to have gone into a remission. Has my combination of sugar and surrealism stop their horrid advance?

3:16 PM - It has been six minutes since my last hiccup. Am I finally free? I get a glass of water (drinking it via the regular lip of the glass) and another marshmallow in an effort to secure the cure.

3:18 PM - Eight minutes since the last hiccup. Forty-eight minutes after their reign of terror begin, the hiccups have subsided. I am in the clear! (Also, the scare requested at 2:55 never arrived... so much the better.)

EDIT: 5:37 PM - I have the hiccups again. Awesome.

SECOND EDIT: 9:01 PM - After recovering from the 5:37 hiccup attack, I find myself hiccuping again. I am both angered, confused, and extremely worried. Will this ever end?

No comments:

Post a Comment