Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hamlet, Abridged

For those of you who didn't pay attention in English class, or just didn't bother to read the play, here's William Shakespeare's Hamlet: The Tragedy of the Prince Of Denmark.

(HAMLET is upset because his FATHER died and CLAUDIUS, his uncle, has married his MOTHER. Suddenly, the GHOST OF HIS DEAD FATHER appears.)

GHOST OF HAMLET'S DEAD FATHER
Your uncle killed me! Get revenge!

HAMLET
I will!

(HAMLET waits around a while, doing nothing and pretending to be mad for no real reason at all. Because of his weird antics, his girlfriend OPHELIA breaks up with him and CLAUDIUS becomes suspicious.)

HAMLET
Well, that was counterproductive.

(CLAUDIUS sends a bunch of PEOPLE to see what on earth is wrong with HAMLET. Despite having numerous opportunities to kill CLAUDIUS and end the play a few hours early, HAMLET continues to do nothing. Instead, HE sprinkles some existential soliloquies in between his bouts of fake madness.)

HAMLET
To be, or not to be, that is the question.

(After doing nothing for a while longer, HAMLET accidentally stabs OPHELIA'S DAD through a curtain. OPHELIA is sad and drowns herself, which makes a lot of people angry.)

CLAUDIUS
A duel! I'll poison this sword and this cup!

(HAMLET fights the duel, and is stabbed by the poisoned sword. His MOTHER drinks from the poisoned cup. At this point, HAMLET stops doing nothing and kills CLAUDIUS, but it is too late.)

HAMLET
I die, Horatio!

(EVERYONE dies. After a moment or two, FORTINBRAS of Norway arrives.)

FORTINBRAS
Yeah, Norway!

(There is an awkward pause.)

FORTINBRAS
...Am I late?

1 comment:

  1. Much as it pains me to admit it, this really is pretty much the gist of the play.

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