Monday, June 14, 2010

How To Make An Action Movie (In Nine Easy Steps)

  1. Get money. If you have enough money, you can do anything.
  2. Think of stunts. This is the most important part. In order to make a successful action movie, you need the biggest, craziest, most outrageous stunts possible. A few tips with this:
    1. Don't do stunts other movies have done before. A car chase? Cliche. A car being chased by five monster trucks and a helicopter? Much better.
    2. Gun fights are good. Have a lot of them, and put them in unexpected settings (on top of moving trains, in construction zones, in a chicken hatchery, etc.)
    3. If you want something a little different, play around with weapons other than guns. Swords, whips, nunchucks, they're all good.
    4. When in doubt, you need more explosions.
  3. Hire special effects technicians. They will be your best friend in making your movie look amazing. Just ask George Lucas. If you're stuntmen can't get something done, these guys will. If your special effects people are good enough, you won't even need to film on location. That's what computers are for. (Again, ask George Lucas.)
  4. Get your lead actor. You're looking for a muscular, good-looking hunk of an actor. He's going to be the draw for your female viewers, so choose him wisely. He's also going to be doing all the stunts you dreamed up in Step 2, so make sure he's fit enough to jump out of windows and such. Actual acting ability is optional; good looks and athletic abilities are your priorities.
  5. Get your lead actress. Action movies are not politically correct: your actress is going to serve largely as eye candy for your male viewers and will spend most of her time getting rescued by the lead actor. (Sorry feminists, that's just how Hollywood works.) No acting ability is necessary, so be as superficial as necessary during casting.
  6. Write a script. The least important step. No one actually cares about the plot; you just need something to link all your action sequences together. Keep dialogue to a minimum, have plenty of one-liners, and remember: it doesn't have to make sense.
  7. Film. This is self explanatory. Get all your stunts on film. Have your special effects folks edit as necessary.
  8. Make trailers. These will get your audience off their sofas and into movie theaters. Be sure to include:
    1. Clips of your best stunts. Nothing says action movie like flying bullets and cars being chased by five monster trucks.
    2. Gratuitous shots of your leading actor (for the female viewers).
    3. Gratuitous shots of your leading actress (for the male viewers).
    4. Some inkling of a plot. (If you don't actually have a plot, make something up.)
  9. Make money. Even if your movie is terrible, you'll still get a ton of viewers. There's just something satisfying about watching things explode on a gigantic screen. And if you don't make quite enough in theaters, you just need to wait until the DVD release.

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