Thursday, May 27, 2010

Geek Hero #3: Indiana Jones

Exhibit A: The archeologist. (Awesome hat sold seperately)

Not much needs to be said about Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr. By day, he teaches archeology at Barnett College, clad in a tweed suit and bow tie. By night (or when just on leave), he dons his awesome leather jacket and iconic fedora and goes in search of legendary artifacts. With bullwhip and satchel in hand, Jones goes toe-to-toe with Nazis, cults, and Soviets in search of the greats treasures of the past.

Geek Cred
  • Dr. Jones teaches archeology at Barnett College. His professorship automatically grants him certain geek powers
    • Jones has the professorial look down to a science with his tweed three-piece suits and bow ties. Geeky? Yes. Awesome? Absolutely.
  • As an archeologist, Dr. Jones has a ton of specialized knowledge of ancient cultures.
    • He knows a ton of ancient languages, cultures, etc. Of course, he is an archeologist
      • When Jones was thirteen, his dad would only reply if Indy addressed him in Greek.
        • An Intellectual from Day One.
  • Jones is pretty good at dicphering riddles and cryptic clues. As an archeologist, it comes with the territory.
    • He also knows his way around maps. Again, archeology.
    • Similarly, he's usually pretty good at figuring out ancient death traps. Unless, of course, he's in a rush...
  • Besides his book smarts, Indy is extremely gifted at making up stuff as he goes along. With his wits - and a bit of luck - he can usually come up with a solution to whatever problem comes his way.
    • In a famous example, Jones and his friends are forced to jump out of a plane. Jones improvises a working parachute out an inflatable life raft. Such is the way of the Indy Ploy.
    • In the same movie, Indy manages to escape a nightclub by jumping out a window, and using awnings to stop his fall. (According to the Mythbusters, it works. Kind of.)
  • Given all his in-universe skills, people love to point out how bad of an archeologist Indiana really is. Real archeologists sit around in escalations all day and dust of bits of old clay pots. Indiana's probably the one who smashed said old clay pot into bits.
    • It can be argued, however, Indiana has taken a potentially boring field, and made it awesome.
  • OVERALL SCORE: 9/11
Day-Saving Ability:
  • When Indiana's off searching for artifacts, there's a two-in-four chance that he's also fighting Nazis at the same time.
    • It's either that, creepy-child-enslaving-cults, or Cold War-era Soviets. And those are just the movies.
  • On screen, Indy locates the Ark of the Covenant, sacred Sankara stones, the Holy Grail, and a Crystal Skull. Despite what "real" archeologists would have you believe, it's not as easy as digging and dusting.
    • To get the Ark, Indy had escape a pit full of snakes, disable an airplane, stop a runaway truck, and strap himself to the top of a U-boat.
    • Want a Sankara stone? If you can escape from a spiky room filled with bugs, avoid being sacrificed to a lava pit and having your heart pulled out, and can navigate a mine cart through a disused track at ridiculous speeds, its yours.
    • The Holy Grail is a bit easier: Indy only has to pass three tests: first, he has to avoid losing his head (literally and figuratively) in a room filled with buzz saws. Secondly, he has to use his knowledge of scripture and ancient language to find the right path across a room filled with snakes. Lastly, he has to make a literal leap of faith into what looks like a bottomless chasm.
      • Of course, once he makes it into the room where the Grail is being stored, he has to pick the right chalice from a group of fakes. Picking the wrong one ages you to dust.
        • No pressure.
      • There's also a plane chase and an attack on a Nazi convoy, but that's nothing compared to the tests.
    • You need to meet aliens to get a Crystal Skull. That's just the rule.
      • Escaping a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator certainly helps, though.
  • A thirteen-year-old Indy steals a gold cross belonging to Francisco Vázquez de Coronado from grave robbers. While he doesn't get to keep the cross, he does receive his Nice Hat from the lead robber. Thirty years later, he succeeds in getting back the cross.
  • Indiana Jones' dad is Sean Connery. Yes, James Bond is Indy's father. There's really no way to beat that.
  • OVERALL SCORE: 10/11

1 comment:

  1. The cracked.com writing style is strong with this young one. :D

    ReplyDelete