Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bearded Business

The Master of Beards himself.

There are many men who think they can pull off beards. There are not many men who actually can.

I've seen many a young man, some who haven't even graduated high school, try to wear a beard. Most of these misguided youth fail miserably. But what can be done to help guide these beard-envy stricken youngsters?

In an effort to guide this generation of bewildered beard-bearers, I propose the creation of the Beard License. No man shall be permitted to grow a beard without a properly issued license. To get a license, potential beard growers would be required to meet several requirements:
  1. No one who looks under 21 is permitted to grow a beard. Period. An obviously high-school-age teenager simply can't pull off a beard; a vast number of baby-faced college students also cannot. If you want to have a beard, you have to look old enough. Beards convey wisdom, and wisdom comes with age. Therefore, so do beards. If you're only 20, but you look like you're old enough to graduate/get a job/command troops in the Civil War, you can grow a beard. If you're 906 years old, but look about nine, you don't get a beard. It's just that simple.
  2. Beards are inherently manly. Therefore, only exceptionally manly men can grow beards. Lumberjacks have beards; they cut down trees for a living. Vikings have beards; they wear metal hats with horns and pillage for fun. Chuck Norris has a beard; he's Chuck Norris. While you don't have to be a lumberjack or viking to grow a beard, there's definitely a standard of manliness to be upheld.
  3. In order to prove their manliness and receive their Beard License, potential beard wearers should undertake some sort of many trial by ordeal. Manliness is about walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Perhaps dig a well, cut down a forest, or command a Civil War Battalion. If anything, it's good cardiovascular exercise.
  4. Once they beard-bearer receives their license, they must keep their beard as simple as possible. This isn't to say beard-bearers should totally avoid grooming (no one likes a ridiculously long beard), but you can't get to fancy either. (That isosceles triangle isn't doing you any favors, Kenneth Branagh.)
Beard Licenses would be awarded to those who meet these requirements, and would be presented by some sort of Manliness Council. Just who would sit on this council remains to be determined...


    1. Well, there *is* the Handsome Men's Club:

      Oh, and Clint Eastwood with his beard is beast in the Dollars Trilogy.

    2. I agree for the most part except some guys under 21 can grow great beards. Its more of how mature a man looks depends on how well he can wear a beard.

    3. And now I'm sad. Why must you deny my beardliness, Tim?

    4. I think I should have a lifetime seat on the council since I contributed to its founding. Also, I'm considering joining the circus, but I have no act. Is this a legit case for a beard license?

    5. 1. Does this mean Doc can grow a beard?

      2. <-- These beards, while awesome, are not simple. Are you against awesome beards?

    6. 2. Those are competition grade beards. While they're awesome, I can't imagine that they're terribly practical in day-to-day life.

    7. And what about people who already have beards? Do they have to undergo a manliness test if they haven't already done something, even if they don't look under 21?